This is the worst part. You made me so afraid that i have built so many walls. I feel kindness is temporary. Gifts are manipulation. Love is a myth. You left me wandering in my minds chaos. I am so afraid to believe in men. I worry they will suck me into illusion again. I desire the affection. I want all the love i felt but i am no longer available to invest. I am scared to feel again. Not trusting words. I believe I don’t deserve the love i once had so i should just give up on the idea. I am vulnerable in my own world. One destroyed when you told me I wasn’t enough. You demolished me. Broke my confidence but most of all you froze my heart. I feel it in vegetable state… it doesn’t make me feel… lets my brain take over in everything. I don’t even think it is there. I live in a fear of the temporary looking at our projected memories. Each memory holding more pain than the one before. This weight is asphyxiating me. Why did you this? Break me and just forget. Why didn’t you at least come back just to tell me i have value. To make me feel i marked you. I live in pain now. Pain of trust. Pain of love. Pain i think won’t go.
– just my notes