Entering the studio, she could see his prints everywhere. His scent rested in every corner, penetrating her lungs like an instant poison making her unable to breath. She felt as all emotions were whispering misery from the walls of this recent crime scene. It felt like an abandoned museum, some pieces were lost yet it captured the history, the essence of it all. Being in it had become torture like every illusion she created melted away presenting in front of her mirrors filled with bare truth.
Eventually she let her fingertips gently follow the moments that every piece of furniture forced her to remember. The desk where he told her she was born to be a writer, the couch where they cuddled watching movies, the kitchen he used to make his famous pasta and the bed they fell in a wave of touches. Her fingers became heavier with the weight of the agony strangling her heart; it made her cry, begging with all her heart to have a choice on her destiny.
She opened her eyes and saw three golden cards. Each card displayed an option; the ability to choose her future. The first option was to forget him but first she would have a flashback of the relationship, afterwards she would always feel like she was missing something but would never know what. The second option was the chance to have one more day with him but the moment he stepped out the door he would never want to see her again. Finally, she could just live through the pain, longing for his affection like two stars far from each other shinning bright so they can be seen yet eventually destiny would trace it´s plan.
———————————- Option 1 ——————
She stood in absolute silence waiting for her memories to be erased. Every atom in her body sighed from pure relief. As she closed her eyes it happened. The blushing feeling she had the first time she saw him and his astonishing blue eyes gently smiling at her, the trembling fear of the first time she met his parents, when she grabbed his hand with excitement every time they saw an animated movie, she felt the light tears that fell every time she read his love letters, the intense laugh he had created, the way her heart seemed to pump faster when he called her a writer and the feeling of his soft lips dancing with hers. That moment she opened her eyes yelling with all her strength to stop because she didn’t want to forget.
Seconds later she sat oblivious of what had happened on her couch. Her studio felt like unknown territory. Her life was the same yet a part of her felt like she was missing something. She didn’t remember him, she would never have the courage to write because he motivated her to do that, parts of her would never appear but she would never know that.
———————————- Option 2 ——————
As the doorbell rang she sprinted as quickly as she could to open the door. The first thing she did was hug him with all her strength. She held him so tight she could feel their hearts beating together. He kissed her in the mouth softly, caressed her smooth face and said, “someone is over caring today”.
“Sorry I just missed you and I love you so much”
“Well good to know sweetie”
They both sat on the couch and talked for hours, they talked about love, about death, about life, they talked about movies and music, they laughed, they cried and eventually they fell asleep. She was so focused in having this last moment with him she didn’t realize that he wasn’t as close as usual.
She felt a little nudge, as she opened her heavy eyes she saw him looking at her with a tear in his eye.
“We need to talk”
She begged for him to stay, she told him the moment he opened the door it would be over, that she couldn’t let him open the door. He said that he needed his space, he may not know the future but staying here was absolute torture. She tried to convince him, to hold him, to threaten him but he opened the door, touched her face and was gone. He was gone forever.
———————————- Option 3 ——————
She opened her eyes, whipped away her tears while trembling and sat in her desk. She picked up a pen, got a paper and let her hand talk for her heart.
Pain surrounds me
Holds me in a hand of daggers
Lost in a painful path
Hopeless for affection
Every memory forms a storm of pain
All the touches made me cold
To every what if
Mourning every choice
I feel a scar
Infecting with every tear I drop
I know this mark is here to stay
It will always be here
I chose to heal it or die in my sorrow
This all hurts
Breaks every emotion I have
A battle of screams
Feels like a punishment
But I know that the mark is here just so that I never forget
We search for the ‘what if ‘ instead of the ‘what now’.